Happy Anniversary Mummy & Daddy

When mummy told me that today was her wedding anniversary, it left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I admit, I try not to think too much about my dad. Neither do I want to overdiscuss it with my mum. Because the both of us will just end up crying.

I realise now how l spent 3 years silently tearing, just to break down in class. Memories that would never ever be created with him ever again haunt me. After all this time, I’ve realised:

I picked up the pieces 6 years ago

I held on to them tightly while my hands bled

And now I’m trying to let the pieces go

But I honestly don’t want to

Abortion – To Be Or Not To Be?

Last night was spent chatting with Zannah and Nana about many many MANY diverse topics.. The cow shall be waterelon and so on.. But the most hotly debated topic was in fact abortion.

Would you do it?

‘Before 3 months it has no life.’

It has no soul.

So is it okay to just destroy it?

Even if God Himself decided that it would have been a child of God?

Nana told me that if you abort a child, according to her religion, the child would be waiting for you at the gates of heaven.

Would you be able to face that child?

The child whose mother did not want her?

And if[touching plenty of wood here but that might not help] you don’t end up in Heaven, that child will wait, and wait..

But when it all comes down to it, it depends on whether you’re ready to face the consequences or not.

The Following Pictures May Be Disturbing.

If You’re Squeamish, I suggest you do not click

2008 – Grief

I’m doing this because partially most people are doing this.

Official Roundup of 2008

Worst Year Of Church Life (WHAT CHURCH LIFE.)

Skipped mass alot, I’m not proud of that.

I’m very thankful that I got the chance to do a camp. THANK YOU ISAAC!!

Arguably the best year of schooling and the worst year as well.

I need discipline.

Met awesome people. Churchies and school people included.

CYA ROCKS MY SOCKS!!

Johnians have been like clouds. Either they’re all there or they’re not.

Nursing took it’s toll on me.

Had a bitchy CI, had a great CI. She’s the same person.

Emoed the crap outta me.

VONG told me something about me I never noticed. Thank you. But I still want to hit you.

Lost the chance to go for YISS due to attachment.

Attachment was bitchy yet rewarding. (You don’t get nursing till you do it.)

Spent a scary amount of time on the computer.

Kenneth can be such an ass. But he’s a guy so I’d have to forgive him when he doesn’t know when to be a girl.

Woman cried alot this year.. and over someone she shouldn’t but oh heck. An idiot but she’s my idiot. LOVE YOU!

Enid, didn’t see much of her this year. Probably even lesser for 2009.

Josh, the guilt of using you as a emotional punching bag that night is still eating me up. I’m sorry.

Saw very little of Dora, Ben and Aaron. JC people you’re all disappearing.

Awkward, was seeing Aaron 7/8? months after confirmation.

Great meet-up with la sallians. WE HAVE TO HANG OUT MORE!!!

Bro Ed I’ll pray for you God Bless with your plans

Gerri, Kevin, Alan… Kinda miss WOW and the parental/guardian feel that they gave me. Still find it VERY hard to say hi to Gerri I admit. My voice goes squeaky. With Kevin and Alan(whom I’ve really not seen in a darn long time) it’s easier. Maybe cause Gerri’s on this huge pedestal that I can’t reach and I’m the one who put her there.

Parables Parables Parables… My heart skipped a eat when Charles called us that @ Christmas @ Josh’s place. There was a pause, I felt it.. When he said it.. Among all of us Parablelites… I think we all feel it. It’s painful. I’ve yet to find something that fills that hole. I think if we ever got together again as parables and had a talk I’d just cry.. People might scold me for being stupid and overly emotional and clingy to that fragment of the past. It was a big chunk to me and it was ripped out from my heart. The best 4 years of my life. Of course I guess some people would roll their eyes and think ‘She’s only 17, best years of her life? That has yet to come.’ True. But now is now. And right now those were the best 4 years of my life. So allow me to…

I’m glad I didn’t do a vlog on this…

A crying Bel isn’t a pretty Bel.

Grief. Perhaps the theme for 2008.

Saddest year of my life.

Most emo year of my life.

Suicidal year of my life.

-

Oh to rise from the ashes…

P.S. Might be edited.

Only 1 Resolution for 2009 this time

DON’T FUCKING GIVE UP ON LIFE.

Rant #1 [D-Cube]

If I labelled every rant with a number, eventually after a reasonable amount of time I will know exactly how many times I’ve ranted.

So checked out Gerri’s blog just like Dot told me to, read Charm’s comment just like Dot told me to, basically did what Dot told me to. Death was the subject, death and time. Right now I don’t know much about the later, and I certainly can’t say I’ve experienced the former. If I did, you readers ought to be either spooked or fascinated by now. But I know from my habbit of being long winded and boring you’re feeling neither.

Lately I admit I’ve been thinking alot about my dad. Just a minute of completely filling my mind about him is enough to turn on the tap. Major waterworks. For example today when I was in the cab, the driver was talking about rising gas prices. And I was sorely reminded of my dad. The driver spoke fluent hokkien, and I immediately imagined my dad at my side in his white shirt and black trousers saying ‘Wa Ka Le Kong!’[I tell you!] to the driver. Taxi drivers have that type of chemistry, they know what it’s like to avoid bad customers, be happily or angrily stuck in traffic jams and for some, complain about their unfair hirer. They converse fluently in either a Dialect, most being Hokkien, english, malay or chinese. You don’t see many Indian drivers. I proudly announce that my dad is fluent in Hokkien, Malay and English! My mother’s more powerful, she’s fluent in Cantonese, English, Hokkien, Teochew and reasonably fluent in Malay and Chinese. And I? I am fluent in English, a monolingual… That’s a sad thing.. But I can also proudly say my English surpasses my parents! (As do most youths)

But I’m getting off point here. I remember my counsellor saying that I will always have relapses. She’s so scarily and unfairly right. 4 years, 6 months and 2 days later I still cry like crazy cause I still miss him. I formed a tight and emotional bond to my dad, one that will probably be tighter than the bond I have with my mother. Well that’s how I feel for now I guess.

 

 

They say you’ll get over it some day. You’ll never COMPLETELY get over it.

Death Starts As A Wound That Fades To A Scar, But It’ll Never Disappear.